Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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