You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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