You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
