I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
