my being single is dangerous.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
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I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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