all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
