I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
