I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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