i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
