Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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