Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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