we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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