Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
