i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
