On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
