Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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