I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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