I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Randomize
