tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
