Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
