If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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