whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
