Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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