she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
