Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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