Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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