I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
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just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
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You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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