I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
