just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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