the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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