I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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