I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
