The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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