apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
