So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
