I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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