She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
