Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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