I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
