I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
