I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
