Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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