I am spending my child support on dildos
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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