what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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