I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
