No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
