fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Is it because I queefed?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
