Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
