his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
