Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
