Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
