If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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