wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
