I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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