i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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