he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
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She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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