"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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