I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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