I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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