I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
