did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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