i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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