All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
