seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
