HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just googled if crying burns calories
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
