I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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