I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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