Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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