Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
