yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
